As a child sexual abuse survivor, the most traumatic part of life for me has not been the many episodes of sexual abuse from five different people in my immediate family’s inner circle from the age of 7 to 14, as strange as it may sound. What was even more traumatic has been the lack of acknowledgement and, later, the absolute lack of support from the very people who were supposed to be my support system. I had to smile and behave normally in front of my predators, first as a child who couldn’t tell anyone the truth, and then as an adolescent and, later, an adult whose predators were put way up in the priority list by those who failed to protect me. And I have carried that immense trauma of not just abuse, but also betrayal from the very people who should have protected or at least stood by me, for close to 34 years now. Which is why I have decided that it is finally time to cut myself loose and set myself free.
As a child, there was an absolute loneliness I found myself in during and after this phase of sexual abuse, with no one to turn to and no one to trust. But I think that loneliness was much better compared to the sort of loneliness I encountered once I decided to open up about the trauma of my childhood to the ones I thought would care, over multiple instances spanning decades. The initial responses were either silence or a noncommittal nod or “Hmm.” It later changed to “What could we do?” or “You never told us” or something along the same lines, denying accountability in every way and choosing self-victimization.
But what hurt the most was not that. For years, until I found Hari as my partner, and for a while after that too, until he helped me find myself and my strength, I had been reeling under the pressure of being nice to the very people who abused me as a child – having to meet them, replying to their messages, even going to their weddings, and a funeral in the case of one. I loathed myself for doing it, holding myself guilty, shaming myself for the façade I was putting up in front of the world and the very people who ruined my life, just to make everyone else happy.
And then I found the strength to cut these people out of my life, sometime after I became a mother for the first time. Having a little one suddenly opened my eyes to the magnitude of the cruelty I was subject to as a child and the role a parent should play in not just protecting their child, but also standing by them if something goes wrong. That is how I slowly found the courage to disclose the identities of the five abusers to the ones I kept pinning false hope on, all people important to them, along with graphic details of my abuse. I knew they would never talk to them about it or act on this information. But somewhere, I think I hoped that they would step up finally and stand by me.
But that is not what happened. These people, the ones who violated me and left me in shreds when I was just a little girl, are still welcome in what was once supposed to be my home. They all still enjoy absolute freedom there and a strong, happy relationship that will never be broken. That has killed me inside more number of times than I can recollect. I still held on to what I once thought was a relationship worth fixing and saving somehow, putting myself through hell in the process. Even when my mental health plummeted with every incident of my predators being warmly welcomed at my childhood home, I chose to push myself as a good mother so that my kids do not lose relationships owing to my problems and so that I would find myself there as a good daughter at a time of need. I now realize that was my biggest mistake. I should have cut myself loose much before.
As recently as last week, when one of my predators was hosted at my childhood home, I started asking myself why I was still being “the bigger person” and “keeping the peace.” I finally brought up my discomfort, clearer than before, and what I got was quite simply, “We are not going to ask them to stop coming. You can do what you think is right. Do not talk to me about such things ever again.” That reply finally did what decades of abuse, abuse-related trauma, and continued betrayal couldn’t do. It helped me wake up to the truth that I was stupid for always putting myself last and trying to fix things, God knows for what, when, despite knowing the entire truth of my past and how it has affected my present, I am still at the very bottom of the priority list, “society,” “others,” and “their feelings” matter, not me.
Now I know that it is stupid to think that anyone else will put you first, unless you put yourself first. And that is exactly what I intend to do now. I am done being the bigger person, I am done keeping the peace, I am done thinking that a childhood filled with sexual abuse and the extended trauma of betrayal from those close to me and of seeing my predators having a close relationship with them are all secondary to my “duties” and saving relationships. I am done with all of it.
That is why I have finally cut myself loose and set myself free, choosing to never return to that old life or the people who were part of it. To outsiders, it would look like a dramatic overreaction done in the spur of a moment of anger, but to me, and thankfully to Hari, who knows me more than anyone else, it is the culmination of a lifetime of choosing to play down my trauma and the betrayals I have faced and shrinking myself for others.
It will come with its share of backlash, I’m sure. There will be harsh comments and judgements. There will be many rumours and gossip. But I guess once the switch flips, you no longer care about anything that anyone says, especially people who have no idea what storms you have weathered or what battles you have fought. And I refuse to take any responsibility for what might happen in the lives of the ones I am leaving behind. People might say my actions will have consequences. But to me, THIS, what I am doing right now, the decision to cut myself loose, is the well-deserved consequence of decades-long actions that came my way from those involved.
It does come with an immense, all-consuming grief that I am teaching myself to deal with. But I do know now that this is the right path, no matter how difficult it is. All that matters to me now is holding on to whatever self-respect I have managed to keep intact despite being trodden upon for so long and whatever peace and happiness I can find in the people who actually matter – in my case, Hari and my girls.
So, here’s to a clean cut and a new start!
Related link:
Also published on Medium.
Leave a Reply