Nine years ago, when I was a brand-new mom, alongside being the happiest about having my little baby in my arms, I was also battling the most severe manifestation of my clinical depression and anxiety disorder. Coupled with the lifelong baggage of trauma and emotional attacks during and after pregnancy from those supposed to be close to me, it was the absolute uncertainty that came with the new phase, and altogether new life, that I found myself in that made me spiral the most. It was the bleakest point of my life where I was constantly struggling with assuring myself that everything would be okay.
And that is where unnecessary external triggers came my way from sources that were “funny,” “well-meaning,” and “know-it-all.” As someone who has gone through the worst of postpartum struggles, I can tell you with absolute certainty that whether it looks to you like having to walk on eggshells around the new mom or not, you really need to mind your tongue. Because sometimes, the most “harmless,” “unintentional” statements are the ones that send a new mom spiralling like crazy. And at her most vulnerable phase, having gone through hell physically, mentally, and emotionally, she is allowed to spiral. It’s up to you, not her, to not make it worse.
I will pick out a few examples of such harmless banter or advice, from my personal experience that is, that stings the most and leads to even more sleepless nights for a new mom.
1) “This is just the beginning; you have no idea what’s going to follow.”
This “funny” statement from so many is what has made me cry the most during my postpartum period. As such, I was going crazy with a colicky newborn who would hardly sleep for eight hours a day. All I needed was for the screaming to stop and relax for five minutes without worrying about the baby jumping up from her sleep for apparently no reason. And during this phase, the last thing you want to hear is that this is nothing compared to the disaster that is definitely going to follow as the kid grows up. While it is fun banter for the “experienced” moms and dads, it is not the same for a new mom. She is at a phase of taking everything literally, and for her, this is nothing but a warning of impending doom, a statement that literally means things are never going to get better.
Maybe because this has affected me the most as a new mom and since I know how overwhelmed a new mom is, whenever I speak to one, I make it a point to tell her, “I know things look scary and overwhelming right now, with the constant crying and sleepless nights. But trust me, things are only going to get better with every passing month. And by the third month, you will look back on this and gasp about how much things have changed.” I also add on a gem of wisdom that a very wise paediatrician passed on to me, “The baby has just come into this world. For her, this whole world is something new, and she is slowly learning to adapt to this world. So give her a little time, and you will see all the difference.”
2) “You look so tired” + “You have lost/gained so much weight.”
At a time when the new mom already feels like shit (sometimes quite literally soaked in pee, poo, and puke), she is in no mood to hear how she doesn’t look her best. I got back from the hospital with Taaru on the second day after giving birth and posted a photo of all of us together with Vedu, who was meeting her little sis for the first time – a cute, first-time whole family sort of picture. And I had someone comment under that, “You look so tired!” My first instinct was to reply, “No shit Sherlock! I just had a baby taken out of my body and then spent the next two days with practically no sleep. How else am I supposed to look?” I still have no clue how at the peak of my hormonal imbalance, I resisted posting that reply.
Changes in the body are part and parcel of the whole getting pregnant and giving birth package. Why people have to comment on that is beyond me. In my case, I used to lose weight like crazy during pregnancy and immediately after giving birth, thanks to my mental health issues. And I had almost everyone asking, “Wow! How did you manage to do this?” or “Oh no, what happened to you?” Both were equally infuriating for me. For many women, it is the opposite, and they struggle with shedding their pregnancy weight. In either scenario, it is a battle for many, where a partner’s constant support makes a hell of a difference, and random outsiders’ (read anyone other than the partner) senseless comments make even more of a difference. So follow the basic rule: “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing.”
3) “The baby seems hungry; why don’t you feed her?”
My murderous instincts as a new mom were most triggered by this one line. It’s almost like every single person other than the mom knows when the baby is hungry and has an opinion on it. Vedu used to be obsessive with suckling on me that it used to drive me crazy, especially since the suckling and colic combo was a vicious cycle I was somehow trying to get out of. Based on the paediatrician’s advice, I had to even time my feeds to make sure that she wasn’t getting gassier than normal and then screaming the house down due to colic. And it is to this mother that a practical stranger who knows nothing about her or the baby has the audacity to say, “I think the baby is hungry. Why don’t you feed her?” – literally five minutes after the baby is fed. How I kept myself from going to jail is a mystery I still hasn’t figured out, I tell you. And if such stupid comments are made to a new mom who is already struggling with milk production, you are just pushing her off the edge into complete misery and guilt.
Such idiots need to know that the answer to every tiny noise from a baby is not feeding. And sometimes this overfeeding is what makes the baby cry the most. The baby is a human being like any other, who has a lot of issues it’s dealing with. If every time you feel sad or uncomfortable, someone comes and sticks a spoonful of food in your mouth, will you be happy? If not, understand that that logic applies to a baby too. So keep your “I feel” and “I think” to yourself, and let the mom decide when to feed her baby. She knows, trust me.
4) “I have also raised kids, and nothing bad happened to them.”
This must be a line that any new mom hears the most if she so much as even thinks of shutting down unsolicited advice on how to raise HER baby. Sure, a new mom is still very much that – “new” – to the job and might need pointers at times when she is confused. But if she does, SHE WILL ASK! And that too, the people she is most comfortable with. It has nothing to do with your status quo in your relationship with the new mom. More often than not, these days, we moms choose to take the advice of our doctors, for the simple reason that times have changed and what was normal once might have been proven to be not the best in course of time, and a doctor is the best person who knows what is acceptable NOW, not thirty years ago when you raised your kids.
Our paediatrician used to tell us that at least in the first three months, holding Vedu upright as much as possible or having her more on a rocker chair instead of flat on her back would be the best way to counter her intense colic and not let her be too gassy. The amount of flak I’ve taken for that, I can’t tell you! “A baby should never be held upright. Whatever the doctor says, we have all held our babies flat on their back” was the problem for one team of advisors. And for another, it was “If you keep holding her, she will never lie down and will always fuss to be held.” The first team irritated the hell out of me for outright refusing to let me choose my doctor’s advice, while the second team scared the hell out of me if I would never get to put her down. I chose to go by what my doctor said, and not only did Vedu’s colic get better with it, but by six months, both my “won’t let you put her down” babies were sleeping in their own rooms all by themselves, happily might I add.
I could keep going on and on and on with this list. But I guess this gives you a gist of what I mean. And if you are among the idiots who pass comments like these, this is your sign to STOP, RIGHT NOW!
To any new mom who might be reading this, trust me, this is the best adventure of your life, and it will always get better, no matter how scary it might look now. All you have to do is shut down or ignore senseless beings, even if they are your own parents, who think they are doing you a favour and, instead, sending you spiralling deeper and deeper. If I could do it, I assure you, you can do it too! So enjoy the tiny milestones, have a meltdown when you feel like, savour the tiny feet and tiny fingers that search for you, and remember, you are your baby’s safe place – wear that crown with pride!
My friends say I am a very hyperactive, noisy person; although my blogs might not reflect that. I blog mainly about confused feelings I get from insane reveries I have. I have to be super-depressed, super-excited or super-pissed off to write, thereby making my writing pretty much emotional (or so people tell me). There have been people who have loved me for what I write, there have also been people who have despised me for it. Whichever way, I continue to write because I believe in doing what I like, no matter what others say.
What Not to Tell a New Mom
Nine years ago, when I was a brand-new mom, alongside being the happiest about having my little baby in my arms, I was also battling the most severe manifestation of my clinical depression and anxiety disorder. Coupled with the lifelong baggage of trauma and emotional attacks during and after pregnancy from those supposed to be close to me, it was the absolute uncertainty that came with the new phase, and altogether new life, that I found myself in that made me spiral the most. It was the bleakest point of my life where I was constantly struggling with assuring myself that everything would be okay.
And that is where unnecessary external triggers came my way from sources that were “funny,” “well-meaning,” and “know-it-all.” As someone who has gone through the worst of postpartum struggles, I can tell you with absolute certainty that whether it looks to you like having to walk on eggshells around the new mom or not, you really need to mind your tongue. Because sometimes, the most “harmless,” “unintentional” statements are the ones that send a new mom spiralling like crazy. And at her most vulnerable phase, having gone through hell physically, mentally, and emotionally, she is allowed to spiral. It’s up to you, not her, to not make it worse.
I will pick out a few examples of such harmless banter or advice, from my personal experience that is, that stings the most and leads to even more sleepless nights for a new mom.
1) “This is just the beginning; you have no idea what’s going to follow.”
This “funny” statement from so many is what has made me cry the most during my postpartum period. As such, I was going crazy with a colicky newborn who would hardly sleep for eight hours a day. All I needed was for the screaming to stop and relax for five minutes without worrying about the baby jumping up from her sleep for apparently no reason. And during this phase, the last thing you want to hear is that this is nothing compared to the disaster that is definitely going to follow as the kid grows up. While it is fun banter for the “experienced” moms and dads, it is not the same for a new mom. She is at a phase of taking everything literally, and for her, this is nothing but a warning of impending doom, a statement that literally means things are never going to get better.
Maybe because this has affected me the most as a new mom and since I know how overwhelmed a new mom is, whenever I speak to one, I make it a point to tell her, “I know things look scary and overwhelming right now, with the constant crying and sleepless nights. But trust me, things are only going to get better with every passing month. And by the third month, you will look back on this and gasp about how much things have changed.” I also add on a gem of wisdom that a very wise paediatrician passed on to me, “The baby has just come into this world. For her, this whole world is something new, and she is slowly learning to adapt to this world. So give her a little time, and you will see all the difference.”
2) “You look so tired” + “You have lost/gained so much weight.”
At a time when the new mom already feels like shit (sometimes quite literally soaked in pee, poo, and puke), she is in no mood to hear how she doesn’t look her best. I got back from the hospital with Taaru on the second day after giving birth and posted a photo of all of us together with Vedu, who was meeting her little sis for the first time – a cute, first-time whole family sort of picture. And I had someone comment under that, “You look so tired!” My first instinct was to reply, “No shit Sherlock! I just had a baby taken out of my body and then spent the next two days with practically no sleep. How else am I supposed to look?” I still have no clue how at the peak of my hormonal imbalance, I resisted posting that reply.
Changes in the body are part and parcel of the whole getting pregnant and giving birth package. Why people have to comment on that is beyond me. In my case, I used to lose weight like crazy during pregnancy and immediately after giving birth, thanks to my mental health issues. And I had almost everyone asking, “Wow! How did you manage to do this?” or “Oh no, what happened to you?” Both were equally infuriating for me. For many women, it is the opposite, and they struggle with shedding their pregnancy weight. In either scenario, it is a battle for many, where a partner’s constant support makes a hell of a difference, and random outsiders’ (read anyone other than the partner) senseless comments make even more of a difference. So follow the basic rule: “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing.”
3) “The baby seems hungry; why don’t you feed her?”
My murderous instincts as a new mom were most triggered by this one line. It’s almost like every single person other than the mom knows when the baby is hungry and has an opinion on it. Vedu used to be obsessive with suckling on me that it used to drive me crazy, especially since the suckling and colic combo was a vicious cycle I was somehow trying to get out of. Based on the paediatrician’s advice, I had to even time my feeds to make sure that she wasn’t getting gassier than normal and then screaming the house down due to colic. And it is to this mother that a practical stranger who knows nothing about her or the baby has the audacity to say, “I think the baby is hungry. Why don’t you feed her?” – literally five minutes after the baby is fed. How I kept myself from going to jail is a mystery I still hasn’t figured out, I tell you. And if such stupid comments are made to a new mom who is already struggling with milk production, you are just pushing her off the edge into complete misery and guilt.
Such idiots need to know that the answer to every tiny noise from a baby is not feeding. And sometimes this overfeeding is what makes the baby cry the most. The baby is a human being like any other, who has a lot of issues it’s dealing with. If every time you feel sad or uncomfortable, someone comes and sticks a spoonful of food in your mouth, will you be happy? If not, understand that that logic applies to a baby too. So keep your “I feel” and “I think” to yourself, and let the mom decide when to feed her baby. She knows, trust me.
4) “I have also raised kids, and nothing bad happened to them.”
This must be a line that any new mom hears the most if she so much as even thinks of shutting down unsolicited advice on how to raise HER baby. Sure, a new mom is still very much that – “new” – to the job and might need pointers at times when she is confused. But if she does, SHE WILL ASK! And that too, the people she is most comfortable with. It has nothing to do with your status quo in your relationship with the new mom. More often than not, these days, we moms choose to take the advice of our doctors, for the simple reason that times have changed and what was normal once might have been proven to be not the best in course of time, and a doctor is the best person who knows what is acceptable NOW, not thirty years ago when you raised your kids.
Our paediatrician used to tell us that at least in the first three months, holding Vedu upright as much as possible or having her more on a rocker chair instead of flat on her back would be the best way to counter her intense colic and not let her be too gassy. The amount of flak I’ve taken for that, I can’t tell you! “A baby should never be held upright. Whatever the doctor says, we have all held our babies flat on their back” was the problem for one team of advisors. And for another, it was “If you keep holding her, she will never lie down and will always fuss to be held.” The first team irritated the hell out of me for outright refusing to let me choose my doctor’s advice, while the second team scared the hell out of me if I would never get to put her down. I chose to go by what my doctor said, and not only did Vedu’s colic get better with it, but by six months, both my “won’t let you put her down” babies were sleeping in their own rooms all by themselves, happily might I add.
I could keep going on and on and on with this list. But I guess this gives you a gist of what I mean. And if you are among the idiots who pass comments like these, this is your sign to STOP, RIGHT NOW!
To any new mom who might be reading this, trust me, this is the best adventure of your life, and it will always get better, no matter how scary it might look now. All you have to do is shut down or ignore senseless beings, even if they are your own parents, who think they are doing you a favour and, instead, sending you spiralling deeper and deeper. If I could do it, I assure you, you can do it too! So enjoy the tiny milestones, have a meltdown when you feel like, savour the tiny feet and tiny fingers that search for you, and remember, you are your baby’s safe place – wear that crown with pride!
Also published on Medium.
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Radhika Gopakumar
My friends say I am a very hyperactive, noisy person; although my blogs might not reflect that. I blog mainly about confused feelings I get from insane reveries I have. I have to be super-depressed, super-excited or super-pissed off to write, thereby making my writing pretty much emotional (or so people tell me). There have been people who have loved me for what I write, there have also been people who have despised me for it. Whichever way, I continue to write because I believe in doing what I like, no matter what others say.
August 13, 2026
Mommy Ramblings
#MindYourTongue, #MommyRamblings, #NewMom, #UnsolicitedCommentsAndAdvice