I am one of those people who remember birthdays and other special days. Back when Facebook wishes were a real thing, I used to check the birthday updates to make sure that I hadn’t missed anyone and write birthday messages either on their wall or as a direct message. Even without FB updates, I used to be the kind to stay up till midnight and go to sleep only after dropping the “first wish” to whoever was celebrating whatever. I dialled that down a few years back but never let go of the adamant wishing pattern. In fact, one of the last things I do before a year ends is to get a new desktop calendar and mark all the special days for the entire next year so that I am all set to start another year of wishing people on their birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions.
Well, it was… until last year. This year onwards, I have decided that I am downsizing this “ritual.” It was not a quick thought, to be honest. I have been wondering for the last few years why I keep doing this year after year, and then, would end up doing it anyway. But I guess it’s the newfound “40” that is taking effect – better late than never, I say.
It was a couple of months into the new year (are we already almost halfway through the year???!!!) that this resolution just popped up in my mind. I guess what triggered it was a look through this year’s desktop calendar, with soooo many boxes neatly marked with special days of family, friends, once-friends, maybe-friends, are-we-even-friends-anymore, and people belonging to so many different categories. And then a thought crossed my mind – how many of these people have ever wished me on my birthday ever, or at least in the last so many years? How many people even know my birthday for that matter?
My first instinct was to feel ashamed for being so petty about something so trivial. But then I sat down and thought about it and realized that I was not being petty. There were people in this long list who probably never knew my birthday and have never wished me, but will remain people I always wish on their birthdays. It’s because our relationship – whatever it is – has always been something that mattered to both of us, not just me. I am not the only one initiating a conversation or always sends the first message, I am not the only one bothered about organizing a meetup, I am not the only person who cares.
I thought then of an Avinash or a CP or a Dijeesh, who were once my constant partners in everything I did, and even now, after more than a decade and a half, remain special. These are people I might not talk to every day, but those who have taken care of me and cared for me in equal shares, which is something I know will stay forever. I thought of a Shankar who pops up on my phone with a “Radhuuuu” once in a while and makes me laugh until my belly aches. I thought of a Thomachan I haven’t met in so many years after he moved to another country, but who always, always made it a point to stop by and meet us any time he was in Hyderabad, just because he cared. There are a few others like that. And I knew – no, this is not about them knowing my birthday or wishing me. None of these people remember my birthday. I will still continue to wish them on their birthdays because I know I matter to them just the same way they matter to me. So am I really being petty?
I then thought of some people like Seemaji from Vodafone, Rijoe from Placid School, or Bipin, Aparna, or Neethu from SH school who I talk to only twice a year, one when I wish them on their birthdays and one when they wish me on mine. With all these people, it is not keeping count of whether they wish me or will they forget me that makes me want to never forget their birthdays, but the fact that they do remember me at least once a year on most years and care enough to let me know that they did. It is not a constantly one-way transaction – where they know I exist when I take the time out to wish them once a year and say “thank you” and then totally forget me until the next year when I repeat the whole ritual – with these people, it is not always on me alone. So again, am I really being petty?
In short, I realized that I was doing some of these as a ritual I am happy to follow for people I care for and to those I matter, while the others were namesake rituals because I was wishing them only because I’ve known those dates for many years and since they are now a mark on my calendar every year. It has also probably got to do with changing friendship goals with age, where quality, not quantity, matters. Cutting off toxic people is not the only way to do this. It also has to do with a very important thought: If people never, ever think of you because you were never important enough to them, to take a minute out once or twice a year, at least to say a quick “Hi,” why on earth should you invest your time and efforts in such people?
So I guess I think I just decided one fine morning that I no longer wish to put in efforts where the effort is purely one-sided. If that is being petty, meh! Let it be, I am petty. At 40, I can be whatever I want to be. And for this once, I choose to be petty.
Also published on Medium.
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