Just because I’m writing this, does not mean I do not believe in the system of marriage. I do and I love it in fact. And to all the people who got married as per the normal system and norms of our society, in a perfectly arranged manner, please do not take this article as an offense. Just because I do not believe in it, does not make it any less beautiful and I’m proud of you guys doing so well in it. 🙂
As I near my 25th birthday, the pressure from every side to get married is increasing by the hour. I had never taken my Mom’s long lectures on the necessity of getting married early that seriously. I still do not think 25 years is the maximum age limit beyond which a girl’s being single should be looked at with shock. But when my Dad finally dropped the bomb last day declaring that he is starting with the ‘groom hunt’, whether I like it or not, I finally started getting really really scared. And when all my friends started talking just like my parents all on a sudden, it pushed me off the edge to total misery.
I can’t remember a time ever in my life when I thought of myself getting married the normal way – the so-called “arranged” way. It was never that I was an absolute patron of love marriage either. In fact I’ve always hated the usage “love marriage”. What’s the need of making that so explicit when any marriage should have a certain level of love involved for it to happen in the first place? It need not be the crazy in love phase many find themselves in. But there should be some element of love of course for any two people to decide they are going to spend their whole life together, right?
All through my life, from the time I knew what marriage is, I was always scared of the picture of some stranger and his relatives in my living room, smiling outwardly, but judging me inside, rating me in comparison to the other girls who might have stood in my position earlier, maybe the very same day and trying to decide who is the better of the lot. And what data do they have to make that decision? My average looks, my Dad’s profession, my ancestral history, my financial background, my education, my career and my conduct certificate they got from some who barely even know me. What about the real me?? Me, who I am, is never a factor in the decision, for the simple reason that the guy has no clue who I am.
People try to convince me saying “You never know a person before you get married because people try to showcase only their good aspects when they are in love.” The same people say “You have ample time to know a guy for 6-7 months once you are engaged to him”. Does that sound contradictory or is it my problem?
No amount of convincing could ever make me accept the idea of getting to know a person only because you have to get married to him. It should ideally and definitely be the other way round. Why go the reverse way and then two days before the wedding find out he was never what you wanted, or worse yet, you were never what he wanted? What do you do then? Announce that the wedding is off because you made the commitment blindly and now you are waking up?? Why go through the pressure of having to deliberately and forcefully befriend and know a person only because you have to and not really because you want to?
I admit I’ve had the fantasies of being swept off my feet by the ‘someone special’, of being proposed in the most perfect way and of having the dream wedding, just like any ordinary girl. But I was never carried away by these fantasies. Falling in love and moving on happened quite normally in my life. At some point, that has even made me wonder if I’ll also succumb someday to the pressure and give up on my dream, my vision of the ideal, like any other girl. But no, just because it was over for me, I still can’t settle for something I can never accept.
As days go by, I still feel I’ll always believe in what I’ve believed in all my life, and never let a stranger come in to my life. It’s not impossible for someone to not like another. And there is no rule that every girl should be a perfect bride. So it’s only normal for me to wish I should be getting married to someone who knows me, the real me, and for all that I am, still wants to be with me. A stranger will never be able to know me and if at all he does, might never be able to accept me for who I am.
Even when everyone tries to push me to the other side citing the “risk” involved in waiting too long, I still believe strongly that it is a better risk when compared to the risk of finding out one day that you were never really the choice of the other. Even when there is the fear of ending up alone, it’s always better than the fear of being a mistake in someone’s life. Of course, there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it because for any girl, it’s not about finding someone, but ‘being found’ by someone. 🙂
June 28, 2010 at 7:41 am
I can connect. I got stuck with a gut feeling, an intuition which I know is genuine. It’s that you are going to be absolutely fine and after your marriage, make it a point to update your blog and I can bet to see a happy you then. 🙂 It’s not logical nor emotional, it’s what is right and you’ll be fine. Every transition is smooth if you want it to be. So, the time has come to uncross your fingers and enjoy the prosperous life which had always been in store for you. You can trust me ‘ON’ that. Ennhu Swantham, AJCL 🙂
August 28, 2010 at 3:13 pm
I agree with AJCL, if you are not in love with someone as much as to marry them, then follow your gut feeling. Your instinct. Guaranteed that will work well than the conclusions that you reach after calculating the logics of all, cos the ‘gut feeling’ comes from a place within your mind which has all the answers and which is the most powerful tool of all.