The wait is finally over. For a very, very long time now, I’ve been waiting – sometimes happy, sometimes scared, sometimes sad, sometimes excited. In the midst of a tornado of mixed emotions, a hurricane of confused feelings, I kept on waiting. Then suddenly it dawned on me that I never even knew what I was waiting for. I’ve been a complete fool who never knew if the wait was worth it, or rather if I was worth the wait. As I try to collect my thoughts and put them into place like the jumbled pieces of a puzzle that has become my life, all I see is a wall, a dead end beyond which my dreams, my feelings, my soul have no access. A wall which stands between what I wished might have been and what I am, where I am.
Waking up from this trance, this insane reverie as I can aptly name it, waking up to reality has been the most devastating state I ever had to face. Because now I am totally lost. The wait for.. whatever it was.. is over and gone, taking along with it the last ray of hope I was clinging on to. The quest for all my answers, the search for the real question has come to a standstill, only because there is no road ahead. Painful and heartbreaking as it is, I might have to stand by watching my life being taken away from me, watching me play the role of a very bad actress in the stupid drama of my life. It’s just a matter of one word from me and the dreams I had for a lifetime, the dreams I had locked up in a very special place in my heart, are gone. Almost like throwing whatever I ever had into a very violent fire, knowing I’m never getting them back.
As one rightly suggested, the “theories of life” do not always work out. Now there is no escaping it. Nothing more to do other than to bury within myself the silly, stupid fantasies which I cherished all my life. And no option other than to live on with the crushing fact that those dreams were always meant to be dreams.