If I had a dollar for all the times I heard “Be the bigger person” or “Hold your peace,” I would most definitely be a millionaire by now. That is not an overstatement. I have had this said to me or, at least, implied through actions countless times. And I keep hearing this every time I read or listen to people’s accounts of issues that they have had with someone. I swear, it makes my blood boil.
Yeah, I know that being the bigger person is sort of a quick-fix solution to all kinds of problems involving people. It is especially the easier solution for people who are in the wrong and for those who justify them because they want things to be all hunky-dory, no matter what has happened. That is why the advice to be the bigger person and hold one’s peace is always given to the weaker party—the one who can be easily coaxed into giving up, the one who isn’t guilty but can be made to feel guilty with some drama.
But the question is—how easy is it for the person who is forced to be the bigger person, the person who is never allowed to say their piece? Does anyone ever think of how devastatingly insulting and crushing it is for someone to be held accountable for issues that they never instigated in the first place? Do people even understand how the ones who are cornered to be the bigger person struggle under the weight of this injustice, and when pushed to the limits, spiral from uncontrollable anxiety and depression? What sort of horrible entitlement is it to do or say something wrong without any qualms and then expect the one who is wronged to apologize and “fix” things? Has anyone ever acknowledged how absolutely cruel they have been in knowingly triggering someone else with a totally unnecessary conflict and then refusing to take accountability for any part of it? How are the “middlemen” lobbying for “peace” in any way better than the ones who are wrong?
I have been put in the bigger person position so many times, mostly by my own parents, especially my mother. It had a lot to do with the deeply ingrained patriarchal belief that women, particularly those younger to others, had a moral obligation, or duty if I may say so, to keep the family or any kind of relationship together. And the result has been traumatic.
Any time there has been a conflict on my side of the family, which was a lot considering we were always a pretty dysfunctional family, wearing a “happy family” cloak over it, I was, without question and unanimously, chosen as the one who should be the bigger person. There were times that I was ready to take part of the blame and part of the responsibility to fix things, telling myself that I could have ignored whatever the trigger was and chosen not to respond, or that, I could have been calmer in my reaction. But that was never good enough, only because the other side, whoever it was, was never ready to acknowledge their part in the conflict.
Even in the countless arguments and screaming fests that have ensued from being treated like absolute shit by someone or the other or the ones that stemmed from my parents’ absolute lack of acknowledgment of their humongous role in my lifelong trauma, I was always supposed to be the bigger person. There would be long sermons sent my way, telling me how I could have “handled things better” and how I was overreacting to things or making a big deal of nothing (yes, including seven years of childhood sexual abuse). I might have considered being the bigger person if the other side was ready to take at least a tiny bit of responsibility for what was happening. But that never happened.
The worst part of all this was knowing that the ones who were expecting me to be the bigger person knew very well that the other side was guilty on all accounts. But they also knew that I was the easier and more convenient option to be asked to bend backwards. This might come as a surprise to the people outside my immediate circle, who have always had the impression that I am a headstrong person who could never be coaxed into doing something I didn’t want. What they didn’t know was that for a very long time, until recently, I was just the opposite, simply putting on a facade for the world. And that vulnerable, fragile self was visible to people who were the inner circle, most of whom, sadly, used that as a weapon against me.
I am proud to say that that is a thing of the past. I no longer take on the role of the bigger person, and I no longer hold my peace. In fact, I no longer even let myself be put in a position of conflict by people who I know are toxic. I cut off absolutely toxic elements to make my life peaceful. And I maintain a civil relationship with those who I cannot cut off completely owing to obligations, keeping contact to only absolutely necessary. The best part is that I am able to cut short any conversations suggesting the “bigger person” or “maintaining relationships” farce, especially from my mother, thereby, never having to blame or question myself for my reaction. No fire, no smoke—pretty easy.
If you have read till now, take a step back and think—have you been assuming the role of the bigger person in most of the conflicts you have had, even conflicts that you bowed out of because you aren’t a confrontational person? If the answer is yes, please understand that while you are a good person, others might be taking you and your goodness for granted. And in the long run, that is never good for you. On the other hand, if you are the person who enjoys others apologizing to you in almost every instance, this should be an eye-opener that they might not be apologizing to you because they are wrong but because you are a stubborn and inconsiderate jerk who will never accept his/her mistake; someday, they would have had enough and they will just choose to leave. Whichever category you belong to, now is the time to reflect and make a change.
Also published on Medium.
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