I fell back into the deep pit of depression three days back. After more than two years of going strong and detecting and fighting minor setbacks early enough successfully, it just came on so strong, very suddenly, triggered yet again by something that was a huge trigger once. It shouldn’t have happened after all the training I went through in therapy and afterwards in making myself immune to it, able to ignore it, or at the most, vent out my frustration to Hari and get over it. I guess it is the disappointment that I let it affect me that is grappling me more strongly. Kind of like I failed after all the efforts and a stress-free period of having kept the trigger at bay, not viewing it as a trigger anymore. A sense of immense irritation, that maybe the equation has changed back to what it was earlier and I am back to square one, making everything I worked towards go in waste.
And more than that, three whole days into having minimal control over my emotions, crying like crazy at times, not being able to sleep – that has all brought back some very painful and scary memories from the dark days of peak depression. The fear has gotten the best of me too – that I will go down again, that the healthy, happy self that I was until three days back has crumbled and will never get back to normal, or I would have to start from scratch in my battle, the fear of how it would affect my daughter.
But I should know that this is only is a temporary phase. I have tackled much, much worse. And I have succeeded once. Hell! I have succeeded all my life, considering how I was always a little unhinged. 😊 And, after a lifetime of struggle to find happiness and not let my biggest trigger ruin the happiness I did have, I did end up succeeding in that, for more than two years. It didn’t dampen even during times it easily could have. That has to mean something. It definitely has to mean that while I have derailed a little now and am feeling scared, it’s okay, it’s not a total loss, it is just a small blip – one that I will get over from any minute now, to get back on my happy, healthy track yet again. Maybe it is okay to have setbacks and failures once in a while to remind us never to take ourselves for granted, and to have a better look at how others have gradually tried to encroach into our sacredly guarded personal space and to reinforce our forts of self-love and peace, just like a fort is maintained regularly to keep it strong enough to ward off intruders.
Yes, I was, I am, scared. But deep inside, I also know that this won’t last long. I’m not going to lie awake all night or cry for hours together or wallow in self-pity all the time, for weeks or months to come. It has been a rough couple of days, maybe it will be difficult for another few days while I reboot and recharge my system and defences. And then, I am going to rise from this stronger than ever. I have done it before. Having to do some part of it again is just a piece of cake. That voice, that strength inside – no matter how feeble it is at my lowest – that is still my beacon of hope, no, not hope, my absolute belief that I am a wonder woman and nothing can tie me down for long.