A few years back, one day I was feeling quite uneasy and frustrated without a reason and wanted to get out for some fresh air. I told Hari that I was going to take a walk inside our apartment premises, just around the building and got out. It was around 10:30 at night; so except for one light each on every side, the rest of the lights were out already. As I walked out of the lighted corridor of the ground floor, I could see that the security guard that night was a new guy. Somehow, I felt a slight churn in my tummy, but I chose to ignore it. I started walking along the sides of the building, almost as if I was tracing a huge horseshoe with my steps.
When I had finished around four or five laps, I saw the security guard walking towards me. I slowed down and took shorter steps to see where he was headed. Was he headed to the toilet on that side of the building or would he walk past the toilet towards me? As I walked very slowly, keeping an eye on him, I saw him go into the toilet and close the door. I wanted to tell myself that everything was fine, but the churn in me was still strong. I wanted to prove to myself that I was being silly as I walked towards the end of the walkway on that side and turned around for my next lap.
Once I crossed the outside toilet, I heard the door open and I felt my heart pounding. I turned and saw that he was walking away from me, towards the front gate on the other side. But I was still highly uneasy. I looked around to see if there was anyone in any of the balconies of either my building or the one in the compound right next to ours. No, I was alone and as far as I could see, all the doors and windows were shut. I looked behind me and saw that he was still walking away from me. I took a few more steps forward, but couldn’t shake the feeling that if I turned around, I would see him hurrying to catch up with me.
My throat was parched; my heart was racing like it could slip out of its place any minute now, my tummy was in knots and I had difficulty breathing. I stopped, because I no longer wanted to prove anything to myself or anyone else. All I wanted was to be in the safety of my home, in Hari’s arms, sure that all the bolts of my front door were locked. I turned around and the security guard was nowhere to be seen. As I rushed to get inside, I saw him sitting on his chair near the gate and knew that there was no way he could do anything to me now. Yet, I almost ran to the lift and banged the lift doors quickly behind me. When I reached the unlit corridor of my floor, I opened the front door without even taking off my footwear. Once the door was open, I literally threw my footwear into the shoe rack, jumped inside and bolted the front door – and then I heaved a sigh of relief.
It took me another 10 minutes to get over the fear and anxiety. And then I felt ashamed of myself for judging a man I didn’t know at all in the worst possible way. But as guilty as I felt, I knew that if I was in a situation like that again, I would still do the same thing. And I did.
A couple of years later, I took an autorickshaw from a nearby mall to home around 6:30 in the evening. The road was crowded. But once we were a little way ahead, the driver picked up a friend of his and had him sit with him on the front seat. My heart started beating faster. I started spiraling when instead of the first service road towards the highway, he took the next one which was comparatively less crowded. A part of me told me that the Uber map was showing that route and it was simply a less congested route that would take me home quicker. But another part of me kept telling me that these guys might take me to a deserted place and hurt me. As I kept evaluating my options—sit tight or jump out—I finally saw the highway a little ahead of the road that we were on and I relaxed a little.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration if I say that these are not one-off incidents of overreaction and overthinking, but the reality of a woman’s life. It’s how we feel every day, everywhere—sometimes as a very mild, indistinguishable uneasiness deep inside that even we don’t really think of all that much, sometimes as an all-consuming anxiety and fear for our life itself. Just because nothing happens most of the times, there is no guarantee that the worst wouldn’t happen one of these times. And even the thought of that ‘worst case scenario’ is enough for us to spiral without end.
When Vedu was playing a silly ‘would you rather?’ game with me the other day and asked me ‘Would you rather face a boy bad guy or a girl bad guy?’ it didn’t take me even a split-second to say ‘girl.’ Not because I’m keen on facing a ‘bad guy’ of either gender, but because if it is a girl, I would have one less thing to worry about.
People keep talking about how easy it is for women with all the women-friendly laws that can convict a man any time a woman wants. Has anyone ever thought about why, if the world is so women-friendly, every single day, everywhere in the world, countless women face sexual attacks of varying degrees—from ‘just’ an inappropriate touch or stroke to rape—that either kill them or leave them scared and scarred for life?
This is the country where many years ago, a woman was stabbed to death by a security guard who sneaked into her house at night while she was sleeping, for resisting his attempts at raping her. You know why the culprit did not receive the maximum penalty? Because the sentence mentioned that while he did commit the crime, it was not a premeditated crime; apparently, a part of it had to do with the fact that the woman was scantily dressed, which made him sexually aroused! Yes, you read that right! A woman who was sleeping in her house alone was held partially guilty for the rape attempt and murder because apparently the devil who broke into her house with a knife in hand was ‘rightfully aroused’ by what she was wearing in the sanctity of her own home. Woman-friendly world indeed! Oh! And by the way, the culprit got out on parole a while later and was never caught again. Cherry on the cake, isn’t it?
Yeah, it is easy to say ‘Not all men.’ And it is indeed true that not all men are predators and it is, in a way, wrong to doubt every man as a potential predator. But how many men have ever been scared that even if they go out without a single penny or any valuables with them, they are still in grave danger because of their gender? That even if they give all their valuables, there could be someone who is more interested in snatching away something even more valuable—their body, their soul, their very existence?
We could have with us all the ‘tools’ to defend ourselves with—pepper spray, pocket knives, basic self defense and martial arts training. With all that, what guarantee is there that we could use any of that effectively against a man who is physically much stronger than us and can overpower us easily? Or worse yet, against a group of men with whom we don’t even stand a chance? So please, the next time you talk about how women have it all and how easy it is for women, please do think again about our pathetic plight involved in protecting our body even in the most crowded of public places. Only a handful of cases ever see the light or make it to the papers. But the real number is unimaginably high. That is why the argument ‘just because of some incidents…’ makes me want to hurl something at the ones who say it.
And understand that ‘not all women’ hate men, but there will always be a part of us that is cautious of men, no matter how good they seem, no matter how well we know them, only because the world around us has taught us that it is the only way we would find even a semblance of safety in this dark world. It is nothing but the bare minimum survival instinct that we hope would help us stay alive, unviolated.
P.S. Adding links to previous blogs, so many of them, on related topics. What can I say? I write and write and write in the hope that things would someday change for us.
Also published on Medium.
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