I am a person who has a constant fear of death – not my death, but of my loved ones. From the time I can remember I have lived in a perpetual state of worry about whether anything would happen to the ones I love. When people daydream about love and joyous moments of life, my daydreams, my insane reveries or if can coin a word “daymares”, consisted of the funerals and aftermaths of the deaths of my beloved ones. I’ve been fixated with these.
Yes, there are times when I think of my death too. I talk about that to Hari sometimes, much to his displeasure. But that is more of a practical exercise than an emotional one. I just want to make sure he will cope when I am gone and he will make sure that my parents cope as well. But maybe because I am selfish, my worries constantly revolve around losing someone, than them losing me.
Every month when I am at my emotional low owing to my period I break down in front of Hari and tell him I am scared of something happening to him. In reality it’s not just him I am scared for, it’s him, my parents, another of my best friend and a couple of people who are close to my heart. The thought of not seeing them ever again, not holding their hands ever again, not hearing their voice ever again, not holding them close ever again – it drives me crazy. I don’t think he’s ever understood why or how this has gotten into my head. But he makes sure he holds me close and calms me down until the border-hysteria passes.
I am very much aware that an overdose of this can amount to a psychological imbalance. But don’t worry, it hasn’t gotten that far yet and hopefully it won’t get that far ever. I guess it is just a dark side of my mind taking over, for apparently no reason whatsoever. Except for losing my grandparents and a granny who was not relation, but more than family to us, during my school days I haven’t really encountered death in the harsh terms of it. All these people who I have lost had a good life, a long life and more or less a peaceful death. There was nothing unacceptable in their deaths and hence I was able to move on pretty fast. It’s not like I’ve lost someone in utterly unacceptable circumstances that it etched itself in my mind and scarred me for life or anything. My life has been devoid of tragedies related to death. So I’ve never been able to place the underlying reason for this constant worry that I harbour.
Then last day I watched the tribute to Paul Walker by the Fast & the Furious team. Since I was never a fan of the series and had hardly watched most of the movies in the franchise I wasn’t that deeply affected when he passed away in 2013. But the overwhelming number of links shared in FB aroused my curiosity and that is how I ended up watching it. I didn’t bother to plug in my headphones and focused mostly on the montage. When I watched the final scene where he takes the exit and leaves half-way while Dom drives on, I felt a lump in my throat. It was a powerful scene that the makers had aesthetically shot, keeping with the theme of the series and the grief at the same time. I immediately related it to the way I thought about death – about someone leaving forever. I kept thinking about that scene day in and day out and every time I thought about it my eyes welled up. I was not crying for Paul Walker, I was crying for my beloved ones I might lose one day.
And then I watched the video once again, this time focusing more on the song. “It’s been a long day without you, my friend” echoed the grief of millions of people who have felt the same way at some time or the other, on losing a dear one – words with the power to move even the coldest of hearts by Wiz Khalifa. But the next two lines, “I will tell you all about it, when I see you again” was just what I needed – two beautiful lines without any emotional overdoing. That brightened me up.
What if that is how things really work? You lose someone here, you think you have lost them forever, when in reality they have just gone to another place, a more beautiful place, and there they wait, for you. And one day, when it is your time, you go to this amazing place only to be taken by surprise to see your loved ones again. How good would it feel to see them again when you never thought you would! You would now have an eternity, an actual happily ever after to talk about all the times you spent apart, do all the things you couldn’t do before. And the best part is now you don’t have to worry about them being snatched away from you ever – they are yours to hold on forever. I’m sure people will call me insane for wanting to believe in this. But I don’t care. Because that is exactly what I want to believe – a better place, where I will “see you again”. Maybe this will help me tackle the darker side of my mind and focus on the joys of the present rather than the sorrows of the future.