I have always been a person who makes my own decisions. When there was a war at home about what stream I should choose after my 12th standard, when there was a confusion on which college to go to for MBA, when there was a dilemma on whether or not to quit my very first job, when I had to make up in mind which way to take my career forward – I always had decisions. These might not have been easy decisions for others, because they are all far too important in shaping the twists and turns of anyone’s life. But for me, these decisions were never really difficult. Because all I had to do was listen to my heart. My heart always set goals and directions for me and whatever I did based on that has turned out to be really good for me eventually.
Somehow, of late, there has been a change in the whole scenario. I went on way too far in the direction my heart led me till I realized there was nothing but a dead-end awaiting me, that I was alone in that journey, that I have always been alone in that journey. Even when I thought I was right beside someone, talking endlessly, it took just a split-second for the other to forget that I was there and cross the road alone. There were definitely no roses, but only thorns creeping and crawling from here to there in a haywire. When I finally tried to run back down that thorny lane, it was too dark. The sun had already set and there was an eerie silence which I felt was telling me the sun might never rise again.
And there I was, stuck in the middle of nowhere, mad at myself for ever setting out on a path I should never have set foot on, for ever listening to my heart, for making a fool of myself by throwing myself knowingly to the depth of hopeless despair.
For once now, I am trying to listen to my head and not my heart. For once in my life, I haven’t really made my decision, but left it to be made by whatever they call destiny or fate. For once, I am going ahead with a decision only for the sake of convincing myself I am fine. And for once, I have understood that sometimes you just have to go ahead with your decisions, even when it all looks absolutely pointless, even when it makes you hate yourself and everything around you.