As I have written about in a couple of my earlier blogs, I did not have a lot of girl pals all through my life. Considering the average number of girls a ‘normal’ girl has in her friends list (real life, not Facebook) I am still very much under-average. Until I turned 28 or 29, I had one – only one – girl pal who I dearly loved and cared for and was more my soul sister than a friend. She still is and will always be. Every other girl was a schoolmate or a college mate or a roommate or a colleague – never a friend. After that age, I got some more girls (women, maybe :-/) in my friends’ kitty, many of them who were my school/college mates or colleagues, but who I got much closer to only at this age. I am thankful for these wonderful women in my life.
There is a rather sexist reason, if you may, for starting off this way. I used to think that it was a pain in the ass being friends with girls until I was 28-29 because I had so many experiences of being royally screwed by some girls who I thought might have been friends. The worst part is that I never even knew what pleasure they got out of that because when confronted about why they did what they did to me, they had lame reasons like “I know you have always been jealous of me”, “Her friend’s friend told me that you might have a negative feeling about me in your mind and I felt it was right.” Trying to make sense out of their reasons was more difficult than clearing most competitive exams in the country; so I never tried.
In addition to this ‘screwing without reason fun ride’ by giving complex riddles as reasons, there would always be the “You said this. But you must have meant this. So although you didn’t say this, I am now offended by what I feel you feel” sort of drama and tears and rage, which is for me a little too much to handle. I am not saying that guys are saints. There are assholes, big time. But at least the desperate reading between the lines, taking offense and drama is a lot less there. I must have been plain unlucky probably to not really find the good apples among girls during my younger years.
But anyway, more than any of this, what pisses me off the most, even now, about a lot of girls is their tendency to proclaim themselves “BFFs” literally two days into meeting each other. Let me make myself very clear right away that I absolutely adore and sometimes even envy a girl gang that is so full of love, unity and loads of fun. I don’t know how many of the ones I keep seeing on Facebook are genuine. But if they are, it really is an achievement. To stay together, be there for each other, have a deep sisterhood that they prize more than anything else – it really is something. The “BFFs” I am talking about are the fake kind. They just can’t get enough of telling the world how lucky they are to be “the beeeeest beeeestest friends” although they met each other only yesterday and how they will always be the same. I have seen quite a lot of them in my lifetime. And that has been enough to take away my trust in humanity as such!
Why I am being sexist over here by pointing fingers at only girls and not guys is because never in my life have I come across a gang of guys who calls themselves “BFFs” in the first place, that too hardly a few days into becoming friends. And even if they are best friends, they keep the love and affection at a digestibly sweet level unlike the saccharine show off I see in some of the girls around me. That wouldn’t have bothered me if they didn’t flip every other week for Chrissake!
I mean, one day you keep hugging and kissing your “BFF” and saying how much you will miss her when she goes out of town for the weekend. One month later you go around telling people about how you cannot stand this girl and how she is a terrible human being. One day you take care of your “BFF” by cooking for her, giving her strict instructions on how to take care of her health. A couple of weeks later you keep telling everyone in your vicinity how she cannot talk about anything other than herself and how irritating it is listening to her. One day you plan new activities with your “BFFs”. One week later you ask everyone around to not be a part of anything they do because you don’t like the way they do it or the way they talk. But you are still “BFFs”, by God!! I have often wondered if “BFF” here really means “Backstabbing Friends Forever”.
When this love-hate flip is just so damn frequent, you know there isn’t any love. It is all just a huge pretence – but for what??? What do you even get out of it other than a whole lot more of negativity inside your head and that of everyone around you? When I see such girls, I wonder why they choose to put up a false act of divine friendship, only to keep on talking behind each others’ back whenever they get a chance to. Fighting like schoolgirls and then pretending to be in love in itself is pathetic, especially when you are in your twenties and thirties. At least keep your fights and differences to yourself. But publicizing it, trying to pull others to your side by running to everyone around with your version of an ugly fight, and maligning your friends-cum-foes – that only makes you look evil in the eyes of others. No one might tell you that on your face. But believe me; they surely will feel that way.
If you are one such “Backstabbing Friend Forever” – grow up, maintain a workable and grown-up relationship with people you cannot avoid instead of engaging in such petty drama and politics and try to keep the negativity at bay. It will do you good. It will definitely do others good too.
And just a tip to end with – in case any such “BFF” ever thinks of approaching me with sad/angry stories against their “frenemies”, remember – I am not one to be diplomatic or polite always when it comes to speaking my mind. I might just say “No time for this bullshit sweetie!” and walk off. No hard feelings, I hope! 😀
Also published on Medium.