One of Vedu’s classmates addresses Vedu as her best friend. For Vedu’s birthday, she makes cards, always treats her with extra love, and her family knows Vedu as her best friend. I’ve seen Vedu make cards for her birthday and be very nice to her too, although she has told me that this particular girl is one of her friends from class, but not her best friend. I have felt proud of her for making the other girl feel good although the relationship is different from both their perspectives. But there have also been instances where I have seen Vedu speak of someone as a friend, only for them to totally ignore her whenever she approached them to play. I have watched with pride as Vedu has responded to that with a sort of maturity that many don’t show, even as adults, by being civil but quietly walking away and finding other friends.
That got me thinking. Have you ever thought that someone was your friend, not just an acquaintance, not just a colleague, but a friend, only to later shamefully realize that they weren’t? That has happened to me, a few times in fact, that I am extremely cautious of who I consider a friend now. As I grew older, I had already taken up a process of high-level filtering of friends, carefully segregating people I knew into different categories—casual acquaintances, neighbours, classmates, colleagues, kids’ classmates’ parents, family, obligatory family, friends, people I never wanted to see ever again, people I wouldn’t mind seeing once in a while, people I love and would love to keep close…
In the process of growing as a person, I probably started looking at the word “friend” from a fresh perspective and realized that just like the word “love,” it was not one to be misused. That led to the people in my life being subject to a heavier filter when it came to being considered friends, with very few making the final list. One of the main parameters of this sort of last level filtering was introspecting about how I was treated or how I was made to feel by those I considered or wanted to consider friends. And that opened my eyes to the fact that not everyone who you think of as a friend is a friend of yours.
As a friend, I am someone who takes time out for my loved ones. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I talk to my friends every single day or even every single week. But I don’t let the silence go on forever or for unimaginably long periods. Even amidst my highly busy personal and professional life, I think of them at least sometimes. And instead of leaving it at that, I never mind taking the first step in sending out a “Hi,” just so that they know I was thinking of them. But how many of them have taken the time out, ever, to drop at least a text checking in on me said a lot about where I really stood in someone’s list. As I said, I am not talking about weeks or even months here. But sometimes, you just know that no matter how busy anyone is, if you are important enough for them as a friend, they would somehow find the time for at least a text once a few months.
Another thing that tells you that you were never a friend is the way you never feel included. You don’t know anything about their life, you realize that the sharing is always from your side but never the other way round, there never are any plans together, and most importantly, at some point, you suddenly feel embarrassed for being you with them when they were never them with you.
I have never felt bad about this though. I just realized calmly, and almost like a sudden enlightenment, that I was never a friend for them, I was just a person they happened to know. I wouldn’t blame anyone for feeling hurt about it if they were very much invested in what they thought was a friendship. But as long as they weren’t using this person for what they wanted and not reciprocating, I wouldn’t blame the other party for just being nice and not wanting a real friendship. It just shows that people are different.
In my case, when it came to these people who I had this late realization about, I didn’t do anything dramatic about it or cut them off by making a hue and cry about it. I just stopped initiating a conversation if I was always the one to start a text. I stopped sending a birthday wish when that was the only communication in the whole year between us. With those who I still meet every now and then only because we live in the same place, I am nice to them and have a small talk but stop short of sharing anything personal or asking about their lives. I also remind myself that there are some who address me as their best friend and I am extremely nice to of course, but who I never address as my best friends, just because they aren’t. That doesn’t make me cruel in any way.
That’s all that is needed, honestly. Because when you are grownup enough to know that no one is obligated to being your friend, you learn to handle the tiny heartbreak that comes with realizing you weren’t really someone’s friend with maturity and be thankful for the ones who hold you close.
Also published on Medium.
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