Many years ago, I had a friend who I was very close to. During one of our phone conversations, I started talking about something that was bugging me. And then, typical of me, I stopped and said, “I know this sounds rather silly, and that it’s not a huge deal when compared to what many others go through.” His response is something that has stuck with me over time and I have used in my conversations with others who have given such a “disclaimer” before talking about something that has been bothering them. It was this – “There might be many with problems that are bigger than yours from an outsider’s view. But that doesn’t make your problems any less important. Your problems and your struggles are important to you, as they should be.”
I think of this often and smile about how he explained such a huge truth of life in such simple terms. Come to think of it, an abridged version of this should be sold as bumper stickers so that more people read it and drill it into their heads. Because there are very few people in the world who understand this the right way. A lot of us feel embarrassed opening up about our own problems because we fear if we would be judged for considering something so “trivial” a problem when others in the world have bigger problems. And a lot of us feel angry because someone else has “dared to” term their problem a problem, when their “make-believe problem” does not even compare to what we are going through.
Two polar opposite ways of thinking, but in reality, they are both based on the same age-old concept of struggles and problems being attributed a weight based on a socially accepted hierarchy. This is the same all over the world by the way, no culture-based variation there when it comes to shaming others for having their problems or feeling ashamed of having a problem – all because we have learnt that a problem is a problem only if it is higher on the scale relative to someone else’s problem.
Any time anyone has talked to me about my depression, the first question they have asked is, “Why are you depressed?” followed by a “reassuring” piece of advice, “You don’t have any real problems. Look at the people around you, and you will realize that you are lucky and have nothing to be depressed of.” Gee! Thanks! Now that I have talked to you, I am no longer depressed. But seriously, along with being a display of blatant ignorance when it comes to medical and psychiatric topics, it is also a very judgmental and rather stupid thing to say, more so to someone who is clinically depressed. But depression or not, the basic rule of getting over one’s problems seems to be to just look at someone else, preferably less fortunate, and heave a sigh of relief that you are not that person.
When Ananya Pandey was stumped by the “Where your struggles end, our struggles start” line from Siddhant Chaturvedi, all of Indian social media and the “nepo-hating brigade” celebrated and trolled her for “being put in place for her tone-deaf comments.” Now, while not defending the blatant nepotism that persists in the movie industry or, for that matter, everywhere, I have never been one to hate someone only because he/she happened to belong to a “star family.” I have genuinely disliked those star kids who keep getting chance after chance despite pathetic performances, but I also stand up for those who have proven their merit with sheer hard work and talent despite never really getting their due without judgment only because they are branded “nepo kids.” And while Siddhant’s intention was not to make her look bad and they seem to be friends offscreen, I felt really bad for Ananya for the trolling that ensued.
In this particular example itself, the word “struggle” is what ticked people off. For them, “struggle” means only one thing – you come from a background where you are not financially well off, and you had very few opportunities in your life. While that is struggle indeed, that is not the only definition of struggle. It varies from person to person and from context to context. For a star kid who seems to be provided everything on a silver platter, a major form of struggle would be the relentless, never-ending criticism and judgment they face from even total strangers, no matter how hard they work, how well they deliver. Isn’t it struggle being compared every single minute of their lives to their ancestors or to their “outsider” contemporaries, only to be branded bad just because of their background, conveniently blind towards their good?
A person belonging to a rich family talks about depression, and the reply is that it is a rich man’s disease, invented by rich people because rich people have no real problems compared to others. An Asian posts about facing racism in a Western country, and there has to be a Black woman in the comments getting offended about how Asians haven’t faced anything compared to the sufferings of Blacks, thankfully to be asked by another sensible Black woman why she has to make it a competition. A person has issues with his car – look at those managing with two-wheelers! A person has issues with his house – look at those who are homeless! A person has issues with constant headache – look at those with cancer! Seriously! What??!!
See, I am not saying we shouldn’t thank our stars for what we have or that we shouldn’t be grateful for all that we can afford, monetarily and otherwise. And I am not saying we should be overdramatic while talking about our problems to those who aren’t close enough, or even that we should be talking to others at all about our problems. But how on earth is just looking at others a solution for whatever problems we have? It might look trivial to others. But to us, our problems and our struggles are very real and very much important. Isn’t that how it should be? As long as we don’t bug others to do something about it, why should anyone else judge that?
So yes, do think like an outsider sometimes so that you are able to put things in perspective. But never be ashamed for having your own problems or struggles, like every other normal human being on this planet. If you are on the other end of the spectrum, don’t be an ass in being entitled in wanting to be the only one with problems and judging others for opening up about theirs. That is just “main character syndrome.” And if you are one of those, “Look at them and you will feel better about yourself” advice-giver, who thinks you are doing a great job at making someone feel better, for the love of God, STOP!
Also published on Medium.
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