It would be a lie if I say that, as a parent, I don’t judge other parents AT ALL. In fact, no matter who says it, it’s a lie. Because it is humanly impossible to be a saint of that level of goodness that you don’t, even internally, judge someone else, whether you choose to say it out or not. And that choice of how you act upon or not act upon that judgement is what differentiates you from someone else. Some choose to show their disapproval on their faces, no filters applied. Some choose to speak up and sometimes give unsolicited advice. Some, like me, choose to maintain a poker face, at least most of the times, and come back home and yap about it to the poor husband, who is, at the end of the day, my “venting machine.”
It is not everything that I judge another parent about, by the way. My mantra in life is to believe that every parent, most of them anyway, are trying their very best to do what is best for their kids, although there are, sometimes, circumstances that force them to make a choice of what they know is not the best, but can’t be avoided owing to their struggles. Especially when it comes to both parents who are working in demanding jobs, there are sacrifices that they make and the guilt that inevitably grapples them as a consequence. The last thing they want is a scorn of disapproval or a lecture on what they are doing wrong as parents. And it is never such things that I judge.
My involuntary judgement mechanism powers up in situations that put a kid in avoidable, but very grave danger – having your child stand on the backseat of a running motor cycle; putting your little kid, even toddlers, without even buckling up, on the front seat, while the parent who is not driving obediently sits on the backseat to placate the kid; literally driving with a newborn sleeping against your chest; having kids walk on the street side of the pavement, with the kid leaning and running onto the moving vehicles, while the parent/elder is blissfully ignorant of the close calls the kid goes through – you see this every day all around you.
And then, there are situations that are not dangerous like these, but are absolutely inappropriate, but which are so normalized (sadly, just like the dangerous ones). One of those is the movie etiquette that I have seen among our people. And the moment I post this, I know I would be cussed out by most of the parents I know and most that I don’t for being a judgemental ass. But that can’t hide the truth.
Our people’s lack of movie etiquette has two aspects – (1) the absolute lack of civic sense and concern for others and (2) the absolute lack of common sense in knowing or an alarming lack of care in acknowledging what kids should be exposed to at their age. The first aspect is so visible in bringing newborns and toddlers to a movie theatre. I hear parents talk proudly about how they took their newborn along and went to the movies at 3 weeks postpartum. At an age where the poor things are supposed to be disruptive because crying and making noises is all they know, why on earth would you subject other moviegoers to this? I mean, no matter how low-maintenance and non-fussy your baby is, there is no guarantee that a baby or a toddler would stay silent or sleep for the entirety of a movie and not have a meltdown.
Even as a mother who loves my kids, I would never think for a second that my babies’ screams should be broadcasted to others who paid for their tickets and came to enjoy a movie in peace – a reasonable demand. Flying with a baby, I understand. It is a mode of transport, sometimes the only option you have. So if others get unreasonably irritated because a baby is being a baby and crying in a plane, flip the bird mentally and ignore it.
But here, you do have an option. Find someone reliable to babysit for a couple of hours, take turns with your partner, or, if both of those are not possible, stay home, at least until the baby is old enough to not be a disturbance to others. That is a basic sacrifice you signed up for when you chose to have a baby. By gloating about how you watch movies with your infants and toddlers, you are just declaring to the world that you have no basic civic sense, which shouldn’t be a problem here I guess, since, unfortunately, most parents are on your side.
The second aspect, that of exposing your child to what not, is something that gives me a heart attack every time I hear people talking about which movies they went to with their toddlers and primary-school-aged kids. I don’t know if people have ever really noticed something called the grades given to a movie by the censor board. But it does have a meaning – something that parents of very young children find easy to ignore somehow. Some of the recent movies with UA 16+ and A ratings were ones that I, as a 40-year-old, watched with my eyes and ears closed. And it is for these movies that people I know have taken their 2-year-olds and 7-year-olds.
The amount of mindnumbingly gory violence, strong language, sexual references and outright innuendos and sexual displays, blatant use of narcotics, cigarettes, alcohol, and the like in a very normalized manner by even the “mass” heroes – this is what people are happily exposing their little ones to at such an impressionable age. And when asked, “He watched that???!!!” their response is a sly grin with “He knows it is just a movie and doesn’t get too bothered.”
Who is going to tell these people that whether they “seem” bothered or not is not the crux of the issue here?! It is what they sponge up from these movies and how that might shape their minds when they are growing up. In a society, where grown-ass adults are happily aping what is shown in movies because it looked cool, even glorifying stalking and killing as “the right thing to do,” people have no issues throwing their kids into the midst of all that a kid should not watch and laughing about “how it is just a movie.”
I do talk to kids about the evils that exist in the world – in an age-appropriate manner. I make sure that my kids are not totally lost or perplexed when they hear kids their age say despicable things in front of them, only so that they know it is not something to be followed or accepted. But having kids watch a movie that even adults would cower watching is not how it is done. Back when we were kids, it was the norm. But that was one norm I thought would have changed when we became parents and more aware of the issues with our own upbringing. Guess not, because this form of dangerous stupidity seems to have been passed on to the new-gen parents too, and I am not sure if that is ever going to change.
I really don’t know what can be done about it though. With OTT streaming at one’s fingertips, there is absolutely no control over what parents choose to have their kids watch. At least in theatres, one would hope that there is some sort of security check to ensure that kids younger than what the movie is directed at would be stopped and not allowed entry. But with the level of shameless entitlement that our people show, I guess nothing would happen other than a shouting fest from the parents and the theatre staff giving up.
At the end of the day, it is only in the parents’ hands. And if they try to justify every wrong (and I mean the really, really wrong) parenting decision they make with “We know what is best for our child,” there is no wonder why the younger generation will not find a way out of mental health and behavioural problems. Yes, like it or not, this definitely is a reason.
Also published on Medium.
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