Many years ago, while I was at my parents’ home for holidays, we stumbled on the topic of old age homes during a conversation. I think it was related to a piece in the newspaper about an old couple who were left in an old age home by their son. During the course of that conversation, my mother said, “When I am old, if Achan has already passed away, I will happily find an old age home and stay there.” I joked in reply, “Yeah right! You want people to say that we are bad children who do not take care you, isn’t that why?” Then she said something that stayed with me, “No, because I want to be at a good facility with people of my age, doing activities suitable and enjoyable for my age. That is the best way to spend one’s old age.”
From then, I have thought about this a number of times, especially when I see blanketed negative comments from our people (Indians, in general) about old age homes. Sure, not every old person who goes to an old age home is there by choice, and there definitely are many instances when old age home is the only option once they are sort of “evicted” from their own homes. But why is it that our people can think of old age homes only as an evil?
Our movies and anything arts-related have definitely added to this line of thought by always portraying old age homes as places where “heartless children dump their helpless parents.” On the other hand, literature and movies from the West portray the positives of such care facilities as places where the elderly can live with dignity. The Thursday Murder Club collection is just one example of stories where the elderly are not just living but thriving in their old age community with likeminded peers and loving children who maintain a healthy relationship with the parents. Any such story set in our society would invariably have a heartbreaking backstory of how these protagonists are practically abandoned by their kids.
In other countries, rooms, flats, or villas in an old age home or a similar care facility or community for the elderly is something that is booked by people for their post-retirement life and looked at as an investment for quality life in their later years. It isn’t looked down upon as a last resort when no other options exist but considered a wise choice for the years when round-the-clock attention and care are needed, along with activities and company apt for that age.
However, our people’s attitude towards it has always been “Of course, that happens in the West because there is no value for relationships in the West.” We happily criticize the sanctity of relationships elsewhere from our bubble of perfect joint families. And any parent who lives with help in their own home while their children live separately is looked at as someone who is “abandoned” by ungrateful children who were raised by the very same parent. The argument is always the same, “They took care of you when you were children. Why can’t you stay with them and take care of them when they are old?”
In a huge number of cases, a number of these preaching saints stay mum about the fact that in the name of having grandparents enjoy the love of their grandkids, they are getting easy childcare, where a number of poor grandparents who have already done their share of child-minding with their kids are raising their grandkids too, when they should be relaxing and enjoying activities they want to take part in at this stage of their life. I’m not saying that no grandparent wants to spend time with the little ones; I’m just saying that the argument of “taking care of them” becomes synonymous a lot of times with “them taking care of your kids.”
Now, I am in no way against children taking care of their elderly parents. But the standards of the society for that care is what irks me. In the first place, the basic rule that needs to be met is that the elderly parents and their children should live together for such care. Any child who doesn’t meet this criterion is by default a bad child.
I often think of what my parents would like when they are at an age when they need more care. And from experience, I know that bringing them here to live with me is going to be suffocating for them because they are so used to being in their own home, their own territory, doing their own things, having their friends and neighbours visiting them every now and then. Uprooting them from all that and bringing them here in the name of care is nothing but cruelty, especially in the last decades of their lives when they should be where their hearts are.
But in the same vein, me uprooting my whole life and family from where are settled to go stay with them at their place is impossible for the simple fact that we have a separate life that is important in itself too. Travelling home every month or two for a few days to stay with them, ensure that they are okay, take care of their medical needs, and just spend some quality time with them is something I can do. But moving there completely is an injustice I would be doing to my other family, my husband and young children. Does that mean that I do not care about my parents? Does that mean that I do not love them and I am not ready to take care of them? Absolutely not!
It is in situations like these where we should be thinking about what is best for everyone involved. It could be having your parents stay with you if both sets of parties can be comfortable with it and you all get to have your own privacy in that setting. Here, in the apartment I stay in, I have seen a family renting another flat in the same building for their elderly mother so that she can have the dignity of having her own space while being closer to the kids at this age. It could also be arranging for a full-time caretaker and other house-helps to take care of the parents in their own home if staying there is what they really wish to do, of course, making sure that you do visit every now and then.
It is here that a decent care facility for the elderly, like an old age home or an elderly community space, comes into play. I am talking about well-maintained, well-run places here. As my mother rightly said, for people of that age who wish to have company of their peers and engage in activities that are suited to their age and interests, an old age home is a godsend. While there are many facilities available for the needy who cannot afford their own home or a bigger facility, taking in those who have no one to care for them, it is wrong to think of such a facility as “charity” that one should be ashamed of.
And for people from different classes of life, according to their needs, there are different classes of care facilities to choose from. It is not a result of “abandonment” but a privileged choice for many. So our people really need to stop shaming such facilities as charity centres built for abandoned souls and learn to respect how such centres help many in having a dignified old age. And all the children whose parents opted for a retirement community or an old age home are not heartless, selfish jerks. A lot of them are understanding of what their parents need at that age and are trying to give them good care and a good life in the best way they can, not leaving them there as orphans and never looking back.
The same judgement befalls parents with children of very special needs, who are at their wits’ end trying to figure out how to care for them. I have heard of children in their late teens with highly special needs who can end up being a danger for themselves if not monitored every second of every day. In such a case, if the parents opt for a care facility specially meant for people of those needs, how can you call them heartless parents who “threw away their kids?” There is always this line about “If you didn’t want to take care of a child, you shouldn’t have created one” accompanying such judgement. Only a parent who has gone through the extreme trauma of caring for a child with such needs will know how draining it is and how it sucks one’s life out. If there is an option that can keep the kid safe and happy, isn’t that choosing the best for your child?
Hopefully, someday, our understanding of old age homes, retirement communities, and special needs care facilities will improve, and our people will come out of their dark holes of age-old traditions and standards. Until then, care givers and those receiving care will silently suffer only to avoid judgements from a society that really doesn’t care. At least so that my children know that they shouldn’t be bound by societal responsibilities when we are old, I have already told them that every generation’s main responsibility is building a life of their own and moving on, and how while we would definitely want to see them every once in a while, we would never want them to uproot their lives or sacrifice themselves to take care of us. I hope that makes a small difference in the grand scheme of things.
Also published on Medium.
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