Many have asked me what kind of a person I want. I never had an answer except for the cliches – should be understanding, sense of humour, accepting my parents and friends as his, blablaaa But then I always knew that I didn’t know the answer. Attractions, stupid infatuations – yeah, some. There was always one reason or the other I could point out for saying, “Hmm.. He’s good”. But still I knew I never wanted to be with them, that they were not the ones. I didn’t know how I’d feel if the one actually came along, how I’d understand he was the one.
Then he came. And I realized there’s nothing like falling head over heels in love. There’s nothing like seeing that person’s face everywhere you look. Just the sudden realization that whatever you have ever been looking for, without you being even aware of it, is right there, in front of you. It’s not finding a person who is all good. It’s when you know this is your kind of person, with all the negatives. It’s when you know this is the person you should be with, the one who’ll make you a better person without asking you to change.
Three years and a million dreams down the lane, I’ve no choice but believe the guy who said, “Love is not about getting what you think you want, but about finding the best in what you have and falling in love with that.”
It wasn’t that we ever stopped loving each other. In one way or the other we have always been special to each other and been there through thick and thin. It was just that we were no longer the kids who thought “We finish college, get a job, convince our parents and get married”. Every aspect we thought about before seemed irrelevant and unimportant in the utmost sincerity and determination of two young minds in love. It was only when we entered life as it really is, that we understood whatever was irrelevant to us actually mattered. We were just trying to sideline those for the fear of not being together. The moment we started accepting the truth, we realized it was not parents or society that was really in our way, it was us, our beliefs, our views and our goals which we conveniently tried to forget. We forgot what we really want, what we really are.
It’s never easy to thrust this truth into your mind. It seems like a trauma which is never going to end – when life seems to be a combination of each and every stupid love forwards you get as SMS, when you look for a reason to go back down the memory lane and cry your heart out, when you feel that you’ll never be able to sleep again, never be able to laugh again and never be able to live again.
But no, I was wrong. I did start to live again because I forgot to cry focussing on helping him get over our dreams, making sure I was there to help him with his career and ensuring he was on the right track to being happy again. It was later only that I realized the real reason I was happy. All this while, he was doing the same too.
Now I know for a fact that there’s nothing like cutting one person out of your life and trying to move on. You have really moved on only if you can still talk to him every single day, have him by your side and still not have a sense of loss or broken heart knowing you can never have him. Because only a person who has loved you more than his life can know you fully, pull you up when you’re fallen and help you find life again.
Count this as a biiiiiiig thank-you to he who did not leave me alone in life, but stayed by to see that I lived on. I hope I’ve helped you come back too.